Humorous Golf Quotes about the wonderful game of Golf. A collection of funny golf quotes that will keep you chuckling right through your lunch break
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.
I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game, it's called an eraser.
I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.
The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.
Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks - No Thanks by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard's excellent Tennis for Beginners.
Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.
If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes.
It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head.
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.
Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.
I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.
Gerald Ford (is) the most dangerous driver since Ben-Hur.
It's not hard to find Gerald Ford on a golf course - just follow the wounded.
You don't know what fear is until you hear Ford behind you shouting 'Fore!' - and you're still in the locker room.
Shortly after I started playing golf with Jerry Ford I thought it was time to take some lessons. Not golf lessons. First aid.
Whenever I play with (President) Ford these days I carry thriteen clubs and a white flag.
When Agnew yellowed "Fore!" you never knew whether he was telling someone to get out of the way or if he was predicting how many spectators he would hit with the shot.
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
If (President) Eisenhower slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.